Just when you thought I was out they pull me back in.
In my final Xmas missive I thought I'd pick up on the fact that Corey Taylor of SlipSour and Stoneknot recorded a Christmas single.
I will point out it's done for Charidee so it's all right and for a good cause apparently.
Now I thought I'd try and give it a swerve but having brought people's attention to it they asked for my opinion.
Well first off I'll reproduce the lyrics for you:
Corey Taylor 'X-M@$'
Ho Ho Ho Ho!
There ain't nothing more depressing than a pine tree
Gussied up with candy canes and balls
Those carolers have kept me up for hours
It's Merry Christmas seeping through my walls
Now I'm no wiccan commie nut or nothing
But there's one damn holiday that I can't stand
It ain't Halloween or Thanksgiving or even April Fools
But it'll surely make a fool out of every man
HA
If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas
You know where to stick those jingle bells
If I ain't hammered it ain't hanukkah
And all you motherfuckers go to hell
If I ain't cockeyed then it ain't Kwanzaa
Joy to the world and jack and coke
If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas
Cause I ain't never anything but broke
Now every year the malls are just a madhouse
Full of empty pockets, thoughts and smiles
Just the smell of Eggnog makes me vomit
And those colored lights are fucking infantile
I think we collectively as a people
Should rise against this corporate jolly noise
And tell the world:
"Let's buy some peace and quiet for a change"
Before we spend it all on fucking toys.
HA
So if I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas
You know where to stick those jingle bells
If I ain't hammered it ain't hanukkah
Fa la la la la go fuck yourself!
If I ain't cockeyed it ain't Kwanzaa
Joy to the world of getting stoned
If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas
So leave this god damn scrooge the fuck alone.
HA
MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!
(Hi Simon! )
Blabbermouth is full of fuckwits.
There I said it.
A site that makes this thing look well written and unbiased and usually sends me apoplectic with rage reading some of the user comments but every now and then a gem shines through and this comment sums up everything I feel about this song:
Charities deserve greatness because they're doing a great thing. And this is not greatness. Corey would have been better to give the money to charity and save his reputation by not producing this song. I like Corey Taylor, generally speaking I think he's a talented guy, and usually quite funny. But this is not funny, this is bad. AND YES, I stand by my point that a sober dude is telling everyone that it ain't Christmas unless he's drunk.
Testify anonymous internet user.
Least we forget the row upon row of column inches dedicated to Taylor's battle with alcohol addiction and the ginger fuckwit releases a song not only so incredibly infantile it takes a pop at coloured lights, jingle bells, pine trees, carollers and 'joy corporate noise' whatever the hell that is... but also about how it's impossible to celebrate without being wrecked? Are you serious!?!
This is a guy who makes a living raging about and exposing the darkness of the human condition, now he's raging about things that make people happy!?!
Seriously Corey, I agree that Xmas can be tacky but it's what you make of it - spend some of that money, hang out with the family, say a prayer for Paul... chill the fuck out would ya?
Maybe Christmas has lost it's charm now you are sober but don't tell me the only way to get through it is to be pissed frankly it's fucking childish, the song sucks and makes you look a moron, especially the pathetic 'Hi Simon' at the end... if John Cage's 4'33" failed to make a dent do you think this piece of garbage will even surface on Cowell's radar?
He probably had to have it explained to him who you even were, yet alone be remotely concerned.
I know, I know it was meant to be taken as a joke, I should laugh really... but it just seems so sad to perpetuate this dumb drunk knuckle dragging culture metalheads have been stereotyped with for years and years. Taylor is, to my chagrin, in one of the most influential metal acts of the modern age. He is the mouthpiece, the focus and a role model. In my mind role models should raise people up, not drag them down and this does us no favours in the eyes of the world...
Still those of us who aren't ready to admit their addictions can get drunk and make it Christmas...
Whatever you are up to and however you are doing it from here at History Towers, have a great one and we'll return in the New Year to spread the odd comment and a whole lot more bile.
As J.S Claydon used to say, 'Take it easy. PEACE!'
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