Golden Shower

You know I never thought it would actually arrive… sure there was the reunion shows in 2009/2010 and the whole notion that the world was still caught in the throws of some incredibly funny joke - you know the one where you are busting a rib or laughing so hard that it was painful? - but to actually sit down and listen to listen to the concept of 'a new Limp Bizkit album' in 2011 was as bizarre a concept of listening to Motley Crue's 'Saints Of Los Angeles' in 2009 and realising it was actually relevant and credible.
Well here's where the similarity departs because in reality, whereas 'Saints…' was a great, clever piece of post ironic self realisation from a band who were renowned for being as big a joke as they were musically competent, Limp Bizkit's 'Golden Cobra' is as lumpen, meat headed, dumb and well, aurally shite as the concept threatened…
It reminds me of being a kid. I used to have to catch the train from sleepy lil Warminister to Bath every day to go to school. At ten/eleven there was a single white line at the edge of the platform which according to some long lost historical anecdote I read, was because some asshat politician (NOOOOOOO!) on the opening of (a/the) railway stepped across the track to shake hands with some other self grandising asshat and was mowed down by a train. The white line was then instated to make people realise that THE EDGE OF THE PLATFORM WAS DANGEROUS!!!! See, History Towers are concerned with your health and safety too…
Still I digress, at 21 this solitary white line was augmented by a massive yellow stripe 3 feet in from the edge of the platform warning that it was dangerous and accompanied by a safety warring to that effect. What upset me was clearly the fact that in ten years we, as a species have gotten three feet thicker…
Now, stick with me, so imagine the type of individual that would then make music that is three feet thicker… step forward Mr fucking Durst…
and weep because it didn't have to be like this.

I saw one of Limp's first ever UK shows before their album came out over here. They opened for Korn back in 1997 on the 'Life Is Peachy' tour. Just before Korn started down the road to licking balls Limp were supporting them around the globe. Picture this:' Faith' hadn't been released and was a cool novelty, DJ Lethal was normal sized and still riding on House Of Pain cool and a red baseball cap wasn't the sign of a complete cunt.
Halcyon days right?

Nu Metal is a bad word in this day and age, but I will admit it was a time and a place phase that helped put a shot in the arm for metal even if only by inspiring kids to go out and learn to play instruments as a protest against it. I'll probably cop flak for this but the first self titled album is really good; from the opener 'Pollution' (even if Fwed does go a little bit Jon Davis at the end), 'Faith' before it was played to death was great, 'Indigo Flow' oozes cool and the whole thing was a satisfactory, if not slightly juvenile romp - funnily even like most debuts of that era.
By the time the second album 'Significant Other' was released 'Faith' had humped the American airways until it hissed air and Limp Bizkit were on their way to being huge. The sophomore album booted the door down, walked into the mainstream without taking it's sneakers off and sat down in your favourite chair. 'Break Stuff' was an awesome track but personally I thought the album as a whole sucked, there was 'Nookie' and that's about all I could stomach really. Then they became MTV darlings, appeared on the Mission Impossible 2 soundtrack along side Metallica's 'I Disappear' - neither of which distracted the audience from John Woo phoning it in from behind massive bags of cash and suddenly they were every where; Fred become an A&R man for his record label (or maybe he always was) but suddenly from the banality of Limp Bizkit up shot household names for five minutes like Staind and Puddle of Mudd - boring ass grunge revivalists as turgid as the man himself shortly before Fred became a fully fledged record exec, toted around with celebrity mates like Ben Stiller and finally got round to making another album.


'Chocolate Starfish' (can't be fucked to give it the full title, I'd rather just crowbar another insult in)… god I can't even be bothered to write about it; you know 'Rollin', 'My Generation' yadda yadda yadda - huge, dumb and fucking everywhere.
Then it all went wrong somewhere - over saturation maybe?
Generation Xtremely fucking stoopid's attention span ran out or something, but Limp fell out spectacularly with Eminem over his Everlast beef and the wheels started to come off.
First up Wes 'the other one with talent' Borland jumped ship citing the fact that Limp were indeed shit and considering he could actually do better making incidental music for kids TV and it be more complicated, he wanted to do something different and made the musically more challenging, mad as a box of frogs and utterly, utterly bollocks Big Dumb Face album 'Duke Lion Fights The Terror' which not even his mum bought (although I know a man who did - not me!).
Limp came roaring back with Less Is More, no sorry Results May Vary. Which was exactly that, varied. Fred was seen screaming at Thora Birch in a video about sniffing her panties and Playlouder magazine called it 'fucking crap'.
The only good song is the last one where he takes a pop at Borland, so we can discard that one for now.
Out on tour supporting Metallica Fred was constantly heckled all summer and even walked off during the set in Chicago, he was in the papers claiming he dated Britney Speares, who bles her was so wacked out even she probably believed it for a few minutes...
And then they were gone….
Well they weren't some when in 2004 rumours grew of Borland playing with the band again (obviously studio time for releasing the sounds of your anus is expensive) and they released a seven track album called 'The Unquestionable Truth: Part 1' which sold slightly better than Borland's solo album - ie I know two people who brought it.
Then they were gone again when John 'Talented one' Otto went into Rehab. Apparently (thanks wikipedia) Fred then directed some movies. Seriously!

2008 and eight they came back to life as the original band - kind of like a reanimated corpse really, not to mention older, balder and fatter - for the none more camp Unicorns & Rainbows tour.
I saw them at Download 2009 on this tour and it was fun - no doubt. It was like a brief step back in time, like watching an episode of Beavis & Butthead, you chuckle and then you are out.


'Golden Cobra' is where the laughter stops for me.
Well not stops, but I just feel I'm no longer laughing with Fred & Co.
Rather at them.
That's right, fat boy, fat boy, fat boy, John Otto and Wes Borland actually released an album that makes the past seem erm, golden.
Not only is it musically shit but the lyrics that actually come from a grown man contain such biting lyrical gems as 'I'm gonna fuck you, fuck you, fuck you up - Douchebag!' On the imaginatively titled Douchebag and on lead single Shotgun apparently, 'Everybody jumps at the sound of a shogun, in my neighbourhood everybody got one'.
Personally when I heard this all I could think of was Hot Fuzz:
'Everyone and their Mum's are packing round ere'
'Like who?'
'Farmers'
'Who else?'
'Farmers Mum's'
Fred, you live in the 'burbs in your big mansion for crying out loud, you are as gangster as I am and I went to Private School.
I mean come on this was after previous efforts by the band had been labelled as 'a frightening insight into the vacuous state of 21st century culture' by Yahoo! Launch, that's right that intellectual tower YAHOO LAUNCH!
I find it incredible and yet unsurprising to find that Kerrang! have inducted Fred Durst into their Hall Of Fame… I expect my invitation in the next cereal packet I buy.
Even more incredulous is that the band have another album just about ready to go… what the fuck is wrong with everyone? Have I gone fucking mad?
I listened to Judas Priest's seminal 'Painkiller' album this week and though man, this is as incredible as the day I brought it and just think next year it'll be ten years old, then it dawned on me that it was release in 1992 - next year it'll be twenty years old! Someone mentioned a 'Nineties Revival Night' to me the other day… the nineties were a long time ago now.
The first Limp Bizkit album was a fun, but dumb experience when it was released in 1997, listening to 'Golden Cobra' fourteen years later the world has gotten considerably thicker than 3 feet in that time.